Long winded
This is gonna be the one warning I give.
The following will probably not be very coherent or make sense to anyone, but I need to write it just to get my mind on paper. Then maybe I find out what has been plaguing me for the past few days.
I wish i knew where to start. I can't really find a good point to start from. My mind is just a jumble of all different thoughts right now.
I am sick of being used. Or at least of being told that I am being used because I am willing to do anything to help out friends. I know that I frequently will do dumb things just cause a friend will ask me to. I realize it is dumb, but it doesn't matter. I am not sure if it is because i tend to act without thinking or if i am just trying to make sure that at least some people i know manage to get enjoyment out of this torture called life.
One example is that fcat that drive Harry to and from the store to his house alot. He live in mastic, far from me, but i don't mind doing it, because he doesn't have his liscense and i know how much it sucks to not be able to drive yourself around. I am kinda saddened by the fact that people think i am being a "btich" for him just because i am trying to be nice.
I need to stop bullshitting. As many of my problems start with, this one starts with a girl. First met this girl a few months ago when she started working at the diner i am at everyone night. And as usually harry seems to know everyone that lived within a 3000 mile radius of mastic so of course he knew her. She is cute, and kinda ditzy at first. After you know her you realize she is very ditzy. Of course this wasn't any problem because i only saw her when i was at the diner on occasional days. Now she lives closer to the store ( 2nd home for me). Frequently when we were at the diner she would ask for help with dumb shit and of course we would reluctantly do it, usually me. Of course everyone assumed it was just cause she was cute and i would want to fuck her. I am still not sure if that was why. But seeing as how i never saw her for more than the 2-3 hours at the diner it never seemed to be a problem for me.
Come last week she moves within 5 minutes of the store. So now she is there alot and was looking for help fixing up her apartment. In steps the stupidity of my brain. I agree to help. This is after all the warning from mac and harry that she is just gonna use anyone who is willing to help then go back to her drinking and bar hopping once her room is done.
So far I have helped her paint the room, pick out moulding for around the room and her window, choose the color of her next paint. And organize her stuff.
This also meant i slept at her house last week about as much as i slept at mine. And when i say slept, i mean i slept on the floor. I also hung out with her one day and ended up helping her with her laundry and just driving her around doing meaningless bullshit all day.
This was not the problem, the problem starts when I listen to the people who have known her a lot longer than me. Harry is no longer gonna help her with her room because he feels he is being used because he is doing the work for free and she wants perfection. John is telling me that is am just being an idiot hoping to get laid out of this. And I am starting to believe them. And it has just been confusing the hell out of me. I kinda have feelings for her, but i find myself holding back just because of what i have been told about her. But as dumb as it sounds, even doing just boring shit, it felt really good to have someone want me around. I can't tell if she feels anything for me but I am horrible at judging that. She keeps asking me to stay over her house, but i also know she hates to be alone and isn't amzingly happy living by herself. The last time i stayed at her house, we just watched tv till 4 am and slept till 2 pm, then we did her laundry and i met a bunch of her family. Nothing special, nothing meaningful, but I just liked the feeling that someone enjoyed my company even if they could have gotten the same thing from buying a guard dog it was just better than the feeling of waking up alone to just a tv still playing the channel i left it on when i fell asleep.
Now everynight at the diner she asks if i am working the next day. all my friends tell me to say yes wether i am or not, just because they feel i am being used. And i feel like more of an idiot when i listen to them than i do if i say no and just hang out with her. Jesus, i called in to work because i really didn't want to be there, and cause she TOLD me i was sleeping over, and i just simply made calls to home and to work and stayed over. The thing is, i also don't want to look like a fool if i help her finish her room then she never speaks to me again till the next time she has a problem.
Probably the most frigthening thing to me is that fact that i can overlook her flaws, she is pretty dense, very obsessive compulsive and can't pick a radio station if you paid her. Yet i can't do that with most other people.
One thing that really annoys me is that mac and most of the other guys just seems to treat her like a walking pair of tits since she isn't too bright. I am not sure why it annoys me, but for some reason i just can't stomach it when they start acting like the troglodytes they are.
Hopefully while i am on vacation i will be able to sort out this fucked up situation.
Of course as when I meet any woman I think i might have feelings for it makes me remember the past. And of the course the first thing i think is "Don't get your hopes up, it will just turn out to be another Christene/Courtney/Melissa/(insert name here)" And i am pretty sure that thinking is only gonna stifle any chance i ever have at any sort of relationship in the future. But forgetting the pains cause by those time is somethign i can't do no matter how hard i try.
Of course bringing up the past starts me to do the thing that is most damaging to myself. I start to THINK. Whenever i have time to think it is a bad thing. Cause all i seem to do is think of the bad things in my life, not that there are many good things, but i would rather concetrate on those.
This has manage to drain me of all my will to live these past few days.
I have started to look at the people i hang out with, we leave the store to get away from it, and the second we get to the diner all they talk about is gaming. It makes me wonder if my life is as big of a waste as i assume it is becoming.
And this always brings my thoughts to death. And wondering why this glorious monster has yet to find me and release me from me neverending cycle of self-destruction.
Some things that keep sticking out in my head are the time when my psychiatrist asked me when the last time i was really happy was. and even after a week of really thinking about it, i couldn't tell him when it was. and when someone at worked acutally said "how can you tell mike is in a bad mood, his face is always the same, he has no emotions."
And it makes me realize that my entire life is kinda a lie. i look like a solid rock statue with no problem, but my center isn't rock, it is more hollow and empty than a black hole. What they can't seem to realize is that with the problems i have, there is never anyone who can listen and really know how i feel, cause the people who could identify are dead. so i just take my problems and keep them inside, and slowly destroy myself from within. Those of you who know me would be really surprised to know how many times i have cried myself to sleep. just because the problems get so bad that i just breakdown, it is one of the few releases i have, but god forbid i ever show that side, no one would be able to belive it is really me. they would just assume i am acting or bullshitting to try and get attention.
one of the most painful things is my friends always joke about suicide, they don't seem to realize that what i say, even though i cover with laughter, is my true feeling. i want to die. i am so far beyond sick with this pain filled car accident called life. i am sick of the pain, i am sick of the hurt, i am sick of the deciept and the feeling that i can't trust anyone becuase i know they will end up screwing me over in the end. i am just plain sick of having to wear this facade of being alive. i have been dead to this world for years. my body just hasn't realized it yet. i just want it all to end, wether i go to heaven/hell/limbo or wherever it is, it can't be any worse than it is now.
people always tell me "Well, just give it time, it will get better". i have given it a god damn long time, and it hasn't improved. or "you have to change yourself to make a better life" but if i am changing myself, what the fuck is the point?
my existence is a joke, it is just one string of accidents and distractions linked together to keep me in my pseudo-state of.....i can't think of an appropraite word to describe how i feel.
the only stable thing is my life is music. which is why i waste so much money on concerts. i hate being at social gatherings, but the music is what drives me. i manage to ignore everyone else and just concetrate on the band and the music.
even everquest is having a hard time keeping my interest lately.
me and harry were talking as i drove him home tonight, we were discussing how he used to feel "happy" when he was doing drugs, and i realized i felt the same way when i was cutting or burning myself.
and it scared me, because if the only way i can delude myself into a feeling of happiness is by injuring myself there is something definately wrong with me.
I realize i could try to kill myself again, but as i have said. this is the one thing in this world that truly scares me. if i fuck up again and don't die. i will either have serious damage on my body, or i will be institutionalized for the rest of my "life". and i will NEVER go back to one of those psychatric wards, NEVER. I would sooner attack a cop with a gun pointed at me rather than go back. those were 2 weeks of my life that i can and never will forget. being trapped in there was the most excrutiating pain i have ever been in. having to pretend to be happy and sane just to leave was beyond stressing.
So as i look at my life, all i see is fucked up situations. the people i hang out with tend to bore or annoy me alot. the only possible relationship i might have seems to be based on an extreme long desire of just not wanting to be alone anymore. And my job path is going nowhere, and going there extremely slowly.
I wish i could figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.
I hope that this upcoming few days in georgia will help me sort some of this out, or at least let me forget some of this.
If only there was some way to lobotomize all memories from your brain, then i might feel better.
I am gonna stop writing now, i need to get some sleep for work. And i am getting to the point where i am beyond drained, both pyhsically and emotionally. And once going to play with my knives seems like a good idea. It is time to sleep, becuase that is the one place that i can escape to.
No qoutes today. just don't have it in me
Current Mood: 
confusedCurrent Music: eminem track 18 off the new cd. 
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psychosis666's journal
